Thanksgiving Pasts

It is really starting to feel like Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was my Mom's big holiday. Our house was Thanksgiving central for our families. There was the six of us, spouses, nineteen grandchildren, cousins, uncles,aunts and grandparents. It was insane, but a lot of fun. It was a near occasion of sin for anyone watching their calories. Our house was a ranch style house with a kitchen that was like an isleway. No two people could hardly pass. My mother constantly complained about the layout of the kitchen. It felt a little like the VW commercial where you'd see just how many women could squeeze into that little kitchen. Children ran in and out of the doors letting in all of the cold air. The fireplace was usually roaring with a huge fire. Everyone fought for a prime spot to back up to. My Mom would usually start roasting the biggest turkey she could find, at 2 am. She loved all of the work involved with that dinner. She couldn't wait for her favorite sister to come in from out of town. I miss those days and sometimes, I can barely remember them. Grief is a weird creature. It's a little like a predator. You can't always see it as it circles and then it shows up from out of nowhere. It's been ten years since I've had a Thanksgiving with my mother and six years since I've had Thanksgiving with my Dad. I am usually not sad. My memories are usually happy but, this year, this week, I'm sad and I don't know why. Maybe I'm getting old and losing my short term memory and starting to only remember years ago. Maybe the world is scarrier now and I've reverted back to a little girl looking for her Mom. Maybe I'm just a menopasal, middle aged woman who is a prisoner to her ever changing and erratic hormones. Maybe I'm just a sap. But, I miss my Mom and Dad and my old Thanksgivings. I miss not be in charge of employees and a business and children and a house and animals and a barn. I miss waking up to my Mom being in the kitchen with the great smells. I miss waking up to the fire already built and Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade already on. I miss the anticipation of all of the guests arriving. Okay, enough whinning. It is Thanksgiving we're talking about. I am so thankful for the parents who gave me those memories and all of that unconditional love. I'm thankful for a husband who is learning to carefully tread around chaois of my middle aged madness, who really seems to love me nonetheless. I am thankful for my three children who continue to amaze me as they grow and mature. I am thankful for my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins neices and nephews and GREAT neices and nephews (yes I'm getting old). I'm thankful to my best friend whose heard her fair share of this whinning and is still hanging around. I thankful for my little cuddly chihuahua who loves me and only me most of the time. I am thankful for Lacey, my quarterhorse mare who takes good care of a novice rider. I am thankful for our employees and their dedication, our trips to my best friends beach house in southern California, a clean house, AC 360 (I'm addicted), diet pepsi, summertime, bubblegum, coffee, and too many other things to name. So, I'm going to make a quick trip to my Thanksgiving Past. I'm going to hike around my parent's old property and visit their grave sites which I've never really liked doing but oddly feel drawn to do and then I'm coming home, shopping for the biggest turkey I can find and set my alarm for 2 am to start that turkey. Happy Thanksgiving.